Grilled Salmon & Avocado Caprese with Raspberry Balsamic Glaze
and burning away the barriers around my heart (plus the truth about shame.)
Returning home from my two week plant medicine journey in the jungle, I’m still on the tail end of processing what the heck just happened before I can even wrap my mind around the many visceral lessons I’m meant to integrate and weave into words for the newsletters to come. This week, I’m settling into my regular lifestyle for a flash before I fly out again in an attempt to catch a glimpse of the northern lights. What I do have the mind to share now, is that, while out there in the Peruvian wilderness, my self-concept was effectively stripped down in a way I never anticipated.
I’m happy that it was.
It was the subtle yet penetrating mindf*** I needed.
One of the biggest things I was shown about myself was just how much gunk and film had accumulated around my heart, how terrified I became of stepping fully into my own life because I allowed the ground-shifting traumas I experienced in 2019 and 2020 to turn me into a self-protective person suspicious of the world’s intentions for me. The truth is, I haven’t felt safe in my own body for a while, and I’ve been so afraid of getting hurt by anything or anyone ever again, that I became detached, I sunk inward, and made myself as quiet as possible, like a plastic little flower, so not even the bees had a chance with me. I don’t know how to stop my body from repeating this trigger cycle, but I’m certain I don’t want this to be my default response to life anymore. (Of course boundaries are necessary for any woman, and learning to discern when to be open or closed will be a lifelong lesson, but I also understand what I’ve sacrificed by living predominantly on guard.)
It’s impossible to connect deeply with the world if your heart is guarded, and it’s impossible to make art that means anything to anyone if you’re disconnected from life.
If there’s any experience I want to repeat in this lifetime, it’s to create beautiful things that move people. This was the truth that rattled me awake while away.